1- I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4- Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6- I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

8- My reality check bounced.

9- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10- I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11- You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12- Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

15- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

16- Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

18- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

21- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

22- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

23- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.